Index - Profile - Archives - Notes - DiaryLand - Random ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 169 It�s still snowing. And the more it snows, the more I�m reminded I�m not going any where any time soon. That fact has stopped pissing me off, because it allows for all of this time to do nothing. And nothing is really what I need to do. Breathe in the nothing. I always feel badly after I go off here. When I really lose all self control, and just let it fly. It reads like I�m crazy, huh? What�s funny is that anyone who read me before knows this is how I react, and soon, the more mature pieces of me win out, and I end up just feeling defeated again. I believe the phrase I turned before was �Go back under the covers to lick my wounds.� I�ve been apologizing for things I have no right to feel sorry for, things I really shouldn�t be sorry for. This is one of those times, where I feel I should say I�m sorry. I�m not going to, but I want to. The most frustrating piece of this is that there�s no way I can do anything. It�s the most difficult piece of a relationship for me, because I�m a control freak. Things don�t go my way, I flip out. And last night, I realized that we�re just different. He can never understand the how and why of my feelings, just as I can never understand the how and why of his feelings. Not until, or if, we ever end up in the same place. Right now, I have to give up control. I have to let what ever is going to happen to happen, without sticking my fingers in it. I�ve got to leave him alone about all of this. His voice gets all quiet when we talk about it on the phone, and now I can see his face, and now I know this is the time he would reach over and run his fingers on my hand. . . . All of that said, it was the most fabulous weekend on record. We didn�t do anything but take each other in, and I�m left with the feeling that every trip to the grocery store would be that fun. I miss him way more than is fair. I�ve never laughed so hard in bed, I�ve never felt so cared for, and I�ve never witnessed someone look at me the way he did, so it seemed everything was right there. Since he�s been gone, I�ve realized I would love to introduce him to everyone I know back home. I didn�t get to tell him that last night. I�ve also realized I want to see him famous, he�s definately cute enough to have a preteen following. I want to be able to buy a copy of Teen People to see pictures of him inside. When I heard his singing voice in the car on the way to the airport, I felt it. You think you�re not enough. You�re wrong. You know how I�m always amazed when someone says they like my paintings, or that I�m a good writer? And I make that PFFT noise, because I don�t feel like I�m good at anything? You get frustrated when I do that, when I don�t believe you. I feel the exact same way you do. You�re the last 1 minute and 41 seconds of �Lover, You Should�ve Come Over�. That�s exactly how you make me feel. 9:50 a.m. - 2003-01-22 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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