Index - Profile - Archives - Notes - DiaryLand - Random ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 168 Incoherent: previous entry. Break It Down: I fell. Hard. And my hands got all scraped up, and I have big bruises on my knees. I wasn�t wearing a helmet, and my head got knocked around a bit. I�m fuzzy and out of focus. I�m going to have too much time on my hands, too much time to think, too much to think about. He has too much to think about, and not enough words to tell me sometimes. And it will be twice as hard, because I will not be able to look him in the eyes when he says it. I�m feeling better, less raw. I feel as though I should apologize in advance for having the need to update the way I�m going to in the next few days. A distraction is slow in coming. You should know that even though it�s a good idea to keep my eyes open, I know that it�s not going to be the same. I�m sorry you have to know that. Now the hope has died in seeing you tonight, and I feel okay about it. Though I just caught your smell on something, maybe my shirt, or my hands. I want so badly to read something concrete, something I can go back to to validate the last 3 days. Something that will remind me I didn�t make this up, that you were here too, drawing on pieces of paper at my dining room table. And it would be so hard to wake up tomorrow morning without some word from you, or to still be some kind of secret. Everything you�ve said about why you�re not here right now is right. You�re right, you would only end up resenting me, and yes, you should do everything on your own time. I want you to not feel badly for taking care of yourself. That�s your most important job. Your biggest responsibility. I�m sorry I am so hurt, because I know it�s temporary, until I find my footing again, and I can gain some sanity and look at all of this with some perspective, instead of having it so fresh. I want you to know that I understand and I see. I want you to not feel pressured, I want to be able to play all of this by ear, and not draw lines around it. I want to be able to hear your thoughts without breaking down if they�re not what I want to hear. I want you to know that if this is real, you can take all the time in the world. I sat and thought about all of the things you want to do, in the five years you haven�t had. For the first time, I see the difference clearly, where before it was smeared. I see that you want the room to move around, and not feel like you have to be responsible to someone, or hold some feeling as sacred. And, my point has always been that I just want to be there. I just want to exist in your line of sight. I don�t want or need to be your world. I just want to live in it. 7:50 p.m. - 2003-01-20 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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