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I'm feeling very Zen today.

You know, enough of out of control to feel in control, while you know there's nothing you can do to stop the torrent of what ever emotions feel like raining down today. They simply are.

I'm here. You're there.

And that seems to be the simplest thing in the entire world. I can grasp that, without questioning the world's fairness, without a sense of urgency, which is what I wanted all along. Now I don't.

I don't care who's rushing about trying to find their way to someone who loves them. But, I do. Because I know. Knowing seems enough today.

I don't care about you, but I do. That sense has changed into an enclusive term I'll use when I mean to say I love you. And, now you know I do, and that, my dear, should be enough.

If you live in your head (I am guilty.) you can accept that, let it fill you up, and need no more.

I'm trying not to talk about what is happening to me. I am failing.

I'm not running any more. I don't feel cheated because all that time, no one was running with me. I feel like I should have been running by myself. It was okay for me to do that.

I'm walking.

And it's that slow motion of the man on fire, or it's the man on fire on one side, drenched in water on the other side.

It's easier to do things when there's someone with you, because then there's a reflection in someone else. There are memories to compare to, and reactions to gauge. I have years of myself, my memory is faded and yellowed from drugs and time.

I've forgiven everything. Everything. I've stopped judging you, and your watch timing your feet, measuring all of our commitments.

You did all you could for me.

I've got nothing but time, baby. Nothing but time to not wait for you.

12:51 p.m. - 2003-07-27


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