Index - Profile - Archives - Notes - DiaryLand - Random ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- You have no choice. Does everyone's sadness change into something else? Because it moves into anger and frustration and back to anger. And it's the impotent feeling that makes me lost, I can only go out and buy so many cups of coffee before the trip loses its excitement. Always to return to the same bed and same room. The presence of nothing just crowds everything else out, even my chipped nail polish is not enough to motivate me into something. I have not enough money for gas to get to where I want to go, yet it doesn't stop me from thinking about how far it will get me. And maybe the fact that I'm starting to enjoy work scares me. Because once I'm comfortable, it's that much harder to get up and go. I resent your life and how you're always doing something without me, while I sit here and wonder how I'm going to waste away eight hours until I can go to bed for the night. This weather reminds me of days spent waiting. All day. Drinking myself to sleep, sleeping 14 or 15 hours in a day, listening to the same CD, never reading, sitting near the open window alone with no phone, no computer, just a worn notebook and a pen. Writing letters that were never sent, feeling left out and behind. Waiting again for that mind bending finish to something that seemed extraordinary. And as I sat here wondering what to write next, I picked all of the nail polish off, catching a burst of my own perfume, though I don't know where it came from. I've collected all of the colors of lighters at the cigarette store. . . . This is totally pointless. And I don't feel like driving any more in the rain. 1:10 p.m. - 2003-04-12 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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