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The last couple of days have made me laugh, after looking at them. They�ve just been awful. Nothing terrible happened. Nothing life altering, earth shattering. They just sucked.

Conversations at the dinner table are just on repeat. My life is the same series of bad TV shows playing over and over at 3 in the morning. I sleep in the same cold bed every night. I go to the same job to fix the same problems. I talk to the same helpless, manic, over reacting people every day. I push A on my keyboard, and I get AAAA.

Kristin mentioned to me on Thursday that if nothing changes in the next six months, she�s leaving. I think that�s a good plan. Not overly ambitious, not too soon, not too late.

On November 1, the count down will begin. I�m taking the 6 month plan too. By that time, my car will be paid off, and it should give me enough time to just get my shit together. Because right now, I�m books stacked all over my room, CD�s in the wrong cases, and a hamper full of dirty clothes. No matter if I clean the surface, I�m still a disaster area.

Everything happens for a reason, is no reason not to ask myself, Am I living it right?

Yesterday, I realized all of my life is stored in my brain as relationships. It�s organized my the person I was fucking, and not by year, or place. Even now. Now would be labled The Single Years.

That�s sad. That needs to end. At the very least, it should be The Montana Period.

Four more exits to my apartment, but I am tempted to keep the car in drive and leave it all behind

Jeremy came outside to talk to me during one of my breaks.

�You can�t do it. No way can you get 30 grand to just go to school. No matter how many loans you take out.�

�I know. Damn it. There has to be some way to get out of here.�

�Ha ha ha ha. Yeah. I�ve been thinking the same thing. School�s just not the answer. I mean if you really want to go, you should.�

�Nah. I would only go to school just to quit working at this place.�

I have to love that boy. He�s so close to where I am, it scares me.

Cause I wonder sometimes, about the outcome of a still verdictless life, Am I living it right?

When was the last time something spectacular happened to you? Something awesome, something mind bendingly incredible? Something so amazing, you just stood there breathless?

I�m beginning to think these things happen in other places, to other people, and they just pass me by.

I guess I would feel differently if I felt I could do something. When you�ve fallen down a million times trying to reach the one thing that might bring some meaning to your life, you tend to just go sit on the couch with a book and examine your scars between chapters.

It�s hard to feel like you should be doing something, while on the other hand, you�re supposed to have faith that the universe (or God) will provide you with what you need.

So is this fucking it? And if it is, fuck you, who ever you are. This life is nothing. It�s possibly less than that. Yes, I am self important enough to believe I deserve more.

Show me exactly why I�m here. I don�t mean the meaning of life, I mean Montana, I mean Billings. I mean this house, with this car, and these shoes. Why? Show me the spectacular reward for following my heart and ending up here. I want concrete proof that I should be me, something more than this is the only way to be, the only way I can be, because if this is where I am because of who I am, then fuck this. I�m going to change.

Don�t believe me when I say I�ve got it down

10:30 a.m. - 2002-10-26


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