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I cannot run away.

I cannot run away.

I. Cannot. Run. Away.

Never missed you more, seeing you that way

I have an invitation to take off. I think I could do it, if I sold my car. If I sold the one thing that means more to me than anything, I could leave here. I could go. I could. I.

God. I can�t. Or, I will not. I�m determined to make this next move last. Make the next place home, with everything intact. I�m not going to be homeless again, with nothing. I can�t willingly put myself though that.

In my heart I know I cannot make this departure pretty. I know that patterns emerge when I chart my life, that I never have a job before quitting one. That I never have a place to stay until the last possible moment. That I never have money until I�m starving and out of gas.

Patterns are made to be broken. I haven�t the will to break this.

Now about to rise and run

I�m being stable. Two days, record breaking, really. Why is it easier for me to be strong when someone needs me to be? Two people today needed me to care, and I did, without thinking, without analyzing.

Yes. I do care about you and your fate. But, I am so helpless all of these miles away. To think I closed those distances, not a thought, yes, I�ll be there.

But they never gonna let you get away

I resent him. I am close to hating him again, that he never gave me another chance, it�s so unfair. It makes me want to stay up all night, and spend the last of my money getting there just to scream in his face. The realization he could have gone back to his wife just scares me. My key�s in the ignition, but I can�t turn them because I am so afraid. It�s the same reason I�ll never call him at home. If his phone is disconnected, I�ll know, and knowledge is so hard. Never knowing is ignorance, and my ignorance is priceless.

Well the world will follow always

These days are like a tape in a loop. The same routine. Different day. Over and over it plays... I want to rip the casette out and throw the tape out the window like a flag on my way to a new. String it to my bumper, and run the VCR over until it�s unrecognizable, shattered. Pieces of technology in my tires.

Yes. Something needs to be destroyed.

7:45 p.m. - 2002-10-13


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