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I know that everyone who knows what's going on really wants to talk about it. Or, they don't and I'm just projecting. Either way, it's been kind of driving me nuts since Thursday.

I actually had a count down in my head.

5 hours. 4 hours. 3 hours. 2 hours. 1 hour... Jesus.

Kristin even asks me if I've heard anything. Nope, I say. I wasn't expecting to. I'm not sure what I'm expecting. I remind myself of all of the hurt to keep from being jealous. I remind myself that I cannot compete with history. And really, I've been too much a part of that drama to ever want that kind of role again.

It's funny how many what ifs run through my head. It's funny how the answer has been the same for three months.

No. Not for anything in the world.

That time is passing. It's running through everyone's fingers, theirs more than ours, maybe. I know that it's being spent wisely in the long run, regardless of out come.

I sometimes wish that it was I that pushed this. I sometimes wish that I didn't know anything about it. I only have the same answer for all of it: I don't know.

I pray that what ever happens, it's the end of something. And the beginning of something else. It's really a general wish. I'm greedy... I wish the same thing for me. This life, this place. Your life, your place. These things that happen, these things we actually make happen.

Change is scary. But, I want nothing less than everything turned on its head.

10:06 a.m. - 2002-09-29


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