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748.

My old elementary school is a block away from the house I�m living in now, my other grandmother�s house. You can tell when it�s just the older kids at recess when the screaming stops. I haven�t been bothered to keep track of exactly when that is, but I can hear the beep of the school bell, a newer school bell that sounds more like an alarm clock than a bell. And, I remember the days when I could wake up early without an alarm clock. These days I can�t wake up before 9, no matter what time I go to sleep.

I would have liked to make this update under better circumstances, with a better frame of mind, a better attitude, a sold painting, peace. It�s not for us to ever figure out the why behind what turns our lives take, you can�t figure out the why until years later, and so I�ve stopped trying.

I�ve been raped, beaten, neglected. One should expect me to handle a bit of emotional abuse with a grain of salt, keeping my head up and eyes on the road. But, I�m not. I�ve been running for nearly ten years now, and the instinct is in my blood far, far worse than this nicotine I can�t kick. I just want to go. Go and go until I just can�t any more. Unfortunately, I spent my last three dollars on a pack of cigarettes and there are only three left.

I�m in survival mode. I am quiet. I am submissive. I have no will save what I am told, and I dare not speak back or have an opinion for fear it�s not the right one. I have phone calls when she�s not here. I check email when she�s not here. I quietly apply for jobs I�m not getting. I still walk softly around the house when it�s just me, waiting for the key to turn the tumblers, unleashing a fresh batch of shit to fall on my shoulders. And I have to smile, and carry it around because in her mind I am responsible� and she buys the food, and pays for the phone line.

I�m not a religious person.

I�ve been praying for days.

9:49 a.m. - 2003-10-14

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