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We should have known you were going to be a painter when you went through everyone's room and made portraits of them in black magic marker. "Look, Mommy. It's you and Daddy. And here's Ryan..."

What I'm most afraid of is doing nothing. Nothing scares me more than anything.

I go through times when the only thing I want is a house and a baby and an office with a window. The next day, I want to be homeless, or near so, I want to have nothing and to just be. To live a life so that when I'm twice my age now, I have the funniest, coolest, mind bending-est stories to tell.

I only miss you every night.

My mind always rests on what I'm going to do next. In the next 5 minutes, the next hour, tomorrow. I can't go any further than tomorrow. I can't comprehend it.

Time has always had a way of sneaking up on me. Monday was yesterday. I swear.

I spent my childhood in a house full of my paintings. They hung on the walls for as long as I can remember. When they grew tired, there were new ones. I've been doing this for 22 years, and I'm still no good.

Meet me at the wrecking ball.

Isn't it that you want something to sweep you up? An all consuming something? Maybe it's not a person, maybe it's a feeling, a desire. I think I understand now.

Man. I just want a lucid moment.

I know why people spend their entire lives here. I see it every morning. They have a saying here...

Everyone needs a big sky. When I'm driving to work at 5:30 in the morning, and I see the sky on fire, I wonder if I'll ever leave. I wonder if I really want to. I stop my car in the parking lot, turn my stereo down a bit, and stare at that sky. If you've never seen it, you need to come. Just once, watch the sun rise. I mean it when I say you'll never be the same.

The only thing I can compare it to is being at the top of Pikes Peak. Or, standing at the edge of the Grand Canyon. Right there. Lose your breath, like a first kiss.

Someday, when that love sweeps me, or that desire finally works it's way under my skin, I'm going to be parked in a field with a cup of coffee and a smoke, sitting on the top of my car, singing or screaming.

5:51 p.m. - 2002-07-26


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