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And when you said I could not stay with you

that's not the way you would have wanted to be

convince yourself that everything is alright

cause it already is

I should be working. I should be doing many, many things... I just want to sit here and write.

I'm trying to figure out why I'm reading it. Maybe because I want to see a hint of remorse. If that's what I want, maybe I should look else where.

Don't sell your heart and break just anyone.

It's awful that I look for praise. It's awful that I put things here just so someone will see it. There's a such a Catch 22 with that shit.

I don't need you.

I need to be needed.

I'm happy by myself.

I need someone else.

It's so natural to want someone to think with.

I miss people the most.

This week has been really hard for me. Hard in the missing my old life way.

I've had so many lives. I can break my life down into periods of time, each marked my a significant other:

The Dave years 1993-1997

The Max years 1997-1999

The Bobby years 1999-2001

I want to run with you through morning fields.

When I find myself deep in another, I miss the last. When deep in the last, I missed the before. When deep in the before, I missed the beginning. When in the beginning, I missed everything.

Leave the luggage of all your lives behind.

Bobby. Bobby. Bobby.

I miss him in the between times. I always wonder if anyone else has between times, and if the same person comes back during those times. I try to remember the bad times to keep the want down. But, for some reason, I expect him to drive the fifteen hundred miles and show up at my door. It's not that I would ever ask him to do that. It's not that I want him to do that. He just always had a way of showing up.

I think about the time when I'm going to give up. I think about the time when it will be the last time. I want to be jaded enough to stop believing. I want to take my hope and shatter it.

I know tomorrow I will change my mind.

I can barely remember the last time I had sex... I think I said thank you and left.

So take your lessons hard, and stay with him.

I want this CD out of my head.

9:32 p.m. - 2002-07-17


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