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I want to say this, and I've wanted to say it, and I will say it at the risk of sounding like I don't mean it. Like I'm trying to ease my emotions, make myself feel better. Wipe any guilt clean. I don't feel guilt. I feel "bad".

I cannot express enough gratitude to her for being the better person in that her heart was big enough to talk to me. That I could give her laughter, that she would allow me that. I wish that I could find the right thing to say. Instead, I'll just say the honest thing.

If ever there was a woman who knows, it's her. What everyone is looking for is someone who knows without saying. At least it's what I was looking for. If I could give her anything, even if it was just for a day, I would give her my freedom.

What's really made me feel better is that the secrets are over and that this is open. I don't have to sit in wonder, or mystery, or hate. What I have now is compassion and understanding.

I feel forgiven. And, even if that's not the case, it doesn't matter because I am better than OK. I'm different.

5:43 p.m. - 2002-07-10


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