Index - Profile - Archives - Notes - DiaryLand - Random ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 167 I woke him up this morning with my singing. He woke me up so many times kissing me, that I lost count. I tried so hard not to cry at the airport, because he said, �This is not for forever.� I tried to make the last time he saw my face a time when I was smiling, but I just couldn�t. Just how I can�t smile now, and I�m afraid I�m just not strong enough to make it without tears streaming down my face. I can�t stop missing him right now, and just that he�s not here, and he�s not a phone call away. I�m trying to stop from hoping that I�ll hear a knock on the door, and it will be him, having changed his mind, having time to think without me in the next room. I know it was too much, and I know I said it too soon, and I know how weird that is for some people. I know that you�re not supposed to jump the gun with those words, but the feelings I have just flood me, and they have no where to go. I�m trying to tell myself it was the brave thing to do, to say it and know I wouldn�t hear it. This time is different, because I needed to know. I needed to know him, and see him, and fall asleep the way you�re supposed to. I needed someone to do the kind things no one has done for me, I needed the thoughtful, I needed it. And now, I have to convince myself I don�t need him, I need to convince myself this is a very powerful wish, a very powerful want. Through all of this, there were more tears than I thought there would be. Today was mostly crying and explaining. I was so afraid he didn�t want to see me again, that all of the affection was just how he was, and every moment I thought I could just die was of my imagination. Each minute that ticks by, and each cigarette that I smoke, and every time this song starts over again, he gets further away. The chances of him coming back shrink, and I want the goddamn movie. I want it. I want him to come back, I want another night and another kiss, and another time where his hands find the back of my neck. I want one more goddamn laugh. I want the crying to stop. I want something to fucking work out for me. Because I knew. I knew when I saw his face, and he held me hard because we were both so nervous. And after this wait is over, I have to wait through his connection in Denver, because I told him I would drive the eight hours to get him. And then I�m going to wait all night. I�ll keep my vigil, without the candles and just the crying. I know this isn�t forever, but it feels like it. It feels worse. There�s no way I can make him understand how I feel. There�s no way I could have convinced him to stay. I feel so powerless. You can only open the door so much, and you have no control over the choice that someone else makes. You can�t force someone to meet you at the place you are. You can�t dismiss their fear, or their hesitations. You can�t convince them that this chance may never come again. You can�t ask them to face everything or to live their life the way you have. You can�t give them your faith in the world, your faith in them. It�s all mine, and it�s too much for me to explain. You can�t make someone else love you. You wouldn�t want to. . . . I miss you so much that I hope to God that you never, ever have to feel this. I�m praying right now that you don�t feel like this. I�m hoping you�re on that plane smiling, and I�m hoping you keep smiling because we both don�t have to hurt. I�m going to hurt enough for both of us. So, baby, please. Just smile for me so I know you�re smiling. And please, God... make this easier. Make this easier. Please. Please. Tonight I�m just going to remember. Those seconds in the dark, and seeing you smile in the light that came in through the window from the moon. I�ll hold your shirt next to me, and pray the phone rings. 4:51 p.m. - 2003-01-20 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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