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160

I thought I had some concept of what a relationship is supposed to be, but the truth is I do not. There�s no possible way for me to have figured that out, when you combine the relationship I watched growing up, and the relationships I�ve had.

It just so happened my mother was in town the night he cracked my lip open, and I remember the next morning, when my mom looked at my face. And she said to me, �God. I wish you didn�t have to live my life.�

Because I have, or I did. I did live with my high school boyfriend for 3 years. I did choose a physically abusive relationship. I did get married way too young.

Sometimes, I lie about why I got married, because it�s easier to believe than the real reason. And, when I lie about it, the person I�m telling doesn�t have to hear the whole back story and doesn�t have to understand where I was at 23. When I don�t lie, I just say, I had just come out of an abusive relationship, and I was tired of dating. But, that�s only half of it.

The real reason was because I was tired of life. I was tired of being kicked around, I was tired of trying and always failing, of never being good at anything. Getting married was a ticket out of living. I wanted to turn the keys to my future over to someone else for a while.

And when I tell people why it didn�t work, I rarely tell the truth. I tell the Bobby story, because it�s as close to an excuse as I can say. I never get into the fact that I hated Newcastle. I never say I hated being called someone�s wife. I never say that I changed my mind, that I lied for two months because I wanted the illusion everyone else had. I never say I wanted to say I had a husband without ever having to deal with the commitment that comes with that. I never say I think marriage is a joke, that I watched my dad cheat and cheat again on my mom, that spending the rest of my life with someone seemed like such an impossibility that the promises I made felt like playing wedding when I was 6. I never, ever say that I was weak enough to buy into the pressure of being someone else.

I never say that I spent almost a year living with the man that hit me. I never say that my first boyfriend wouldn�t let me wear lipstick out of the house, wouldn�t let me have friends for fear of the influence they would have on me. He was right about that, because that was the only way I could find the strength to leave him. Only when I heard You should leave him, enough times did it occur to me that I could.

I�ve never had a relationship where the other person didn�t want me to change in some way. You should lose weight, you should be less jealous of me fucking around on you, you should be less emotional, you should be older, you should be less of the person you are and more of the person I want you to be.

I keep thinking everything could change, but it feels a lot like the same old story all over again.

11:00 a.m. - 2003-01-11

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