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156

Natural progression. Hurt, anger. Back to hurt, finally anger, then nothing. This will be a flat liner in a few hours.

I absolutely cannot continue doing this. I can�t, it�s going to kill me.

I cannot continue to think I�m going to be the exception, I�m going to make the happy ending, I�m enough.

I hate that I can�t think everyone else is fucked up. There are just too many to think it�s anything but me. The only constant has been me, so logically, I must be the cause of everything wrong.

So excuse the fuck out of me for wanting everything. Pardon me for thinking something else, something I should have never thought from the start.

Jesus, just fuck me right off, from the beginning. And fuck you for wanting the same goddamn thing as everyone else.

I wish you had never apologized, and I wish you had just kept being the same asshole I keep seeing. I wish we could have just had meaningless sex and I wish I didn�t care.

Most days, I wish this thing never fucking existed. I wish there were not people on the other end, and I wish there was no such thing as a telephone.

Goddamn it that I read too much into everything. Fuck. Fuck fuck fuck fuck.

I can�t say fuck enough times.

I hate this. I fucking hate it. It�s so much that it just doesn�t have any where to go, and I�ll regret this later, like I�ve regretted so many things I�ve put here because I can�t be taken as a five minute feeling, it�s got to be strung out to all of eternity.

I can�t change what I want, I can�t change you, I can�t change the clean and simple fact that everything is fucked now, because you called me on everything I�ve buried. Now, all I can see is how stupid I am, how completely idiotic I�ve been, thinking I could handle it.

I can�t do anything right. I can�t even hope for the right fucking things.

10:00 a.m. - 2003-01-06

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