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It scares me a little bit that I can be this lonely and this tired, and be content. It�s almost as though I�ve given up, but I haven�t.

Muscles I didn�t know I had are sore, joints ache, and I have no energy. It was an effort to run errands, but they had to be done.

I�ve been torn apart so many times

Cosmo just smiled at me. But, he�s wandering around the house crying, looking for my mom�s cat. He has screamed at me to open every door, to every closet and every cabinet. I wish there was some way I could tell him that Maddy is not coming back.

I�ve been hurt so many times before

It seems silly for me to miss you. I know I�m not supposed to, or, it doesn�t make any sense. And, I wish it was acceptable for me to feel this way. I wish I didn�t feel like such a fool, for believing and wishing and hoping.

My brother always says, �If all you ever do is want, that�s all you�re ever going to get. Wanting.�

Still, I have a hard time telling the difference between wanting badly and needing. If I needed, and I�ve been so long without, I guess I would have died by now. It feels like a need sometimes. Especially today, when asking someone else to pick up cat litter would have been the most wonderful thing in the world. Or just rub my right arm, because it hurts.

I�ll feel the same way when I pack my truck, and load my car, and drive all that way by myself. It would be nice to not be alone. But, I�m not going to die because you�re not here.

It�s just a slow torture.

So be careful and be kind

8:14 p.m. - 2002-12-28


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