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From here on out, my spelling will be off because I don�t have a dictionary yet. Forgive me.

She�s off to start her new life in a new place with a new love and a new house. And, I stopped crying long enough to wave to her leaving, but now it�s started back up again.

I sometimes wish that everyone could have the kind of relationship I have with my mom, that everyone could have someone who is always there for them, no matter how many times they fuck up. I guess that is what we all look for, someone who is infinitely forgiving. She is one of the closest things to God that I�ve ever known.

She�s gone now, and even though she�ll always be a phone call away, it�s not the same without her here.

I wish I could stop crying, but when I try, it just wells up in my throat until it hurts and I have to start again.

. . .

It�s me and the boy cat again. Cosmo is asleep in my closet, in the litte hiding place I made for him last night. He came out and fell asleep next to my head like he used to when he was a baby, so I felt confused, like I was back in Oakland, until my mom woke me up.

. . .

There are huge forces at work in my life, things I�m not going to understand for years. I�m just trying to pull everything together, which is nearly impossible because I look around, and I�ve got pieces every where.

I can�t stand by and wait for answers. For the first time, I�m ready to make steps on my own. I�m ready to go, I can feel that I�m supposed to go. I made that choice a month and a half ago by doing this. There�s a reason my body has marks, this only goes to making my theory concrete. I know that I have one more, I feel I have one more.

I was afraid of leaving without a job to go to, but I decided that I need to do what makes me happy. The one thing I remember making me happy was making pizza, and that�s exactly what I�m going to do. I�m going to be a nobody, be inside myself, doing something I know I�m good at. Thinking about it makes me smile.

I�m giving myself the room to start over, only wiser and with less baggage. I�m going to go back to school, without the pressure of getting a degree, because I want to learn this time. I�m only going to take the classes I want, which means only studio art classes. I�m going to stop worrying about being lonely, because I�ll have so much to do, I will not have time to worry about it. Most importantly, I�m going to have fun, because that�s been lacking.

. . .

I know how she feels now, when before I couldn�t understand how someone could be so incredibly loving, to everyone. So unconditionaly kind, that the more jaded of us wonder about motivations. There�s some switch in us, that I have to believe is in everyone, but we choose to ignore it. When my anger gives way and leaves me in peace, I feel it. I covet it, because I want it to stay with me always. I want it to invade me, I would let it if it stayed with me long enough. It�s just pure joy, and happiness, and even when there�s a part of me that is sad, it still creeps in. Everything is easier, and questioning ceases long enough to accept all of the punches and all of the turns.

When it�s here, I want to give it to everyone. I want to tell everyone that everything will be okay, because I believe it. I do want to comfort. I do want to give hope, and the faith that moves me, I want to give that to you too.

It�s not God, not how I see it. But, I say God because it�s the only word I have. God is word I throw around, when I say grace before dinner, I say God. When I�m alone in my bed, and I�m hoping, I say God.

What I mean is something so much greater, so much bigger than that little word... I can�t explain it. It�s the universe, and the stars and planets. It�s the thing in everything. It�s the unexplainable. How your life goes when you can make choices. It�s kissing drunk, and an orgasm. It�s that moment when everything is still. It�s in my coffee and pack of cigarettes. It�s in music when you can pick out the tracks, layer on top of layer. In some people�s voices, when you hear it you can�t help but smile. It�s a hand, skin on skin, sliding up my side, even in my imagination. And that time when I can�t remember ever painting that.

It�s here now. With me, or inside. It�s here, and I�m not wondering why because it just comes. It just comes right when I need it and everything is a daunting task. Everything is a big black gloom, waiting to swallow me whole, and take me back to the reality of everything awful and dirty, out of place, off center.

But not today. Today it�s not going to get me. Today I can give you this, because that�s all I can give, even though I would give you everything.

11:21 a.m. - 2002-12-28


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