Index - Profile - Archives - Notes - DiaryLand - Random



Today is the shortest day of the year. Happy Solstice.

Thank god, because the days seem to be 2 hours long, and those 2 hours seem to be spent at work.

. . .

I�m not sure if I ever flat out said that my mom and sister have been gone for a month. Well. They have, and they came home yesterday for the duration. Duration being until December 30th, upon which day they will be moving to Kansas to be with my mom�s fiance and his family. Mom�s getting married on Janurary 3rd in Missouri of all places, her third wedding, and I will not be there. That makes me kind of sad, but there�s just no way I can go. So instead of feeling badly, I�m just going to be happy that everything is working out for her. She got a job already, and the house is pretty much taken care of. So yay mom. You deserve it.

. . .

Mean while, my brother is buying a house in Placerville, California, about 20 minutes away from where I went to high school. It�s a town I�ve always loved, and even thought about moving to a couple of times. It�s cute, or it was, and it�s 10 minutes away from the river and Coloma, which will always be my first love.

The house is apparently downtown, and is a duplex. Very large parts of me want to move in there with my brother. I just adore him, and I miss him a lot.

My brother and his girlfriend are planning on fixing it up, I guess it�s a bit beat up. The funniest part about that is my brother and I have always talked about doing that, me doing the little stuff, picking paint, my brother doing the big stuff. This Old House, Ryan and Carie style.

Placerville is a strong candidate for Plan A.

. . .

I was doing really well yesterday, and I�ve slipped a bit today. It�s easier to ignore how lonely I am when I�m alone. I had nothing to compare my behavior to, and now I�ve got my mom who is running around full of Christmas carols and excitement about her new life.

I guess there had to be a time where my bubble would burst, I had hoped it wouldn�t have been so soon. I can chalk this up to the full moon and hormones.

. . .

I have all of these plans laying around. Making decisions, now that I know how heavy the implications are, has become difficult. I feel like I�m passing out a judgement on the rest of my life, and to a certain degree that�s true. I don�t want any more hard times, I think I�ve been through my fair share in recent years. That�s really the hang up, looking for the easiest transition. I know, through experience, that what ever I choose is the next turn in the road to a new chapter. I�m hesitating, and reconsidering. Every detail.

. . .

Last night at dinner, I was trying to make a game plan to get to you. I was running stuff by my mom, even all of the secret plans I keep in my back pocket. I wish that someday I�ll have better timing, and I will be able to need to do something without sacrificing other things.

Sadly, I�m pushing ideas out to make room for flights, and I�m thinking about how I would feel if you came to visit and I didn�t have a couch.

My mom just knows me too well, before I even think it she says, �You could move there.� But I can�t. I don�t want to, because it would mean moving again. I would be heart broken if it didn�t work, and if it did work, you shouldn�t stay.

I�m all turned around. The only thing I can think of to do is see you, and that�s it. I can�t think of anything else, and I need to. I need to go through with what ever I want to do, without you. But, it makes me so sad to think of the inevitable future minus you.

What moves the earth around the sun?
What could I do but run and run and run?
Afraid to love, afraid to fail
A mast without a sail

The moon�s a fingernail
And slowly sinking
Another day begins
And now I�m thinking

That this is indifference
Was my invention
When everything I did
Sought your attention

9:59 a.m. - 2002-12-21


previous - next