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The only way I know to climb back up is to go all the way down. I think I am unable to maintain even for too long, or to maintain up for longer, and you know the song, I�ve been down so goddamn long, feels like up to me. Jim pretty much got it there.

Yesterday was a culmination of everything bothering me, and my frustrations with you topped the list, and for that I�m sorry. And I�m sorry you have to read about it here. And I�m sorry we keep throwing bottles.

Come on in
I�ve got to tell you what a state I�m in

I can�t be manipulative, because a) I can barely spell it and b) I don�t know what to do after this part. Games don�t work, and are a bit like theories in that they only work in a vacuum.

When I think about my past, I guess I have tried to play mind games with people. But I think that�s something you out grow, or keep doing if you get your way, or you see that it isn�t fair and you quit all together. I don�t want an unfair advantage because then you�ll never see how good I am all you�ll see is the lopsidedness of the field. Jesus, that was hard to type.

I wish I could put all of the things I believe in down in print, not just for you, but for me, so I can remember what I�m doing. It�s so easy to lose sight of important things when all I can feel is desperation and all I can see are all of my plans washed down the drain.

All of that said, not here. This is my only sense of permanence. My concrete in the world of lost data, and corrupted files. I hate to see my writing get smeared by rain. And, God, if I can�t be honest with myself, I�m not sure what I would have left.

I�ve got to tell you in my loudest tones

If I could remove my heart from everything and think things through instead of letting myself feel everything through I would cause so much less grief and conflict. I would upset less people, and seem to be put together a little differently.

I�ve just never figured out how to do that. I don�t think I can. I don�t think I can ever seperate the two, and I want you to tell me that�s okay, because everyone else thinks it isn�t.

I think sometimes I would give up almost anything to be cool, and collected, instead of this thing that I am.

When the truth is
I miss you
And I�m tired
I should not have let you go
So I crawl back
Into your open arms

My brother bought a house in the most perfect town ever. And, his girlfriend asked me to come live with them.

My mother is going to make me lose my mind.

My body is finally feeling better. Not good, but better.

5:38 a.m. - 2002-12-18


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