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I can�t hang on to a thought and ride it all the way down.

I�ve started and stopped about five entries, and I don�t know if it�s because I�m just so overwhelmed, or if it�s this fucking cold.

Now is possibly the worst time for me to be sick. I have so much to do, so much to think about. Taking these 3 days to do nothing was really something I cannot afford, even being the procrastination queen, I know that I cannot put everything off until the last minute. I want to, that�s the thing. It�s my MO to wait until I have no choice but to do one thing. That way, I can pass responsiblity onto something else, some outside force. The last thing I want is to be responsible for this life I have now.

The idea that I�ve created this hell is beyond me, but it�s the truth. I�ve made all of the decisions, directly or as an effect of another decision. I�ve created even the smallest details of here. I�m not sure I can fix my life in this place.

That�s my snag. I�m chosing not to run away because that�s what I�ve done my whole life. The simple decision would be to move to Kansas with my mom. Easy. Ride on her coat tails. There�s always home in California, there�s always all of my relatives who would love to have me. My brother and I have always been looked at with a kind of wonder, not because of any grand acheivement, but because we haven�t sold out* entirely.

I just flat out can�t. I hate that I see where my mistakes were made in the past, and I hate that I�m not dumb enough to repeat them off into infinity.

I run away. That�s what I do, and what I�m good at. I�ve never been good at looking at my life, finding the problems and resolving them. I�ve always just eliminated all sources of irritation by cutting everything out completely. Can�t get out of a relationship? Move to a different state. Can�t get over an old boyfriend? Move to a different state. Can�t figure out what to do with the rest of your life? Move to different state.

I don�t really have external problems any more, exception being my job, but even that would be okay if I could find it in myself to be more gracious. If I could find more patience and a little more motivation, I could be not unhappy with it. I know that right now that�s all I can ask for. Montana doesn�t have room for work that would push my brain and make me think.

. . .

I�m happy with the progress I�ve made on myself, even if my self esteem has taken a major dive, to the point of me not really caring about what I look like. I�ve learned that it really is what�s on the inside that matters, and I�ve done some major renovations. I�ve learned to be by myself. I�ve let go of all of the clingy girlfriend stuff I had before, the jealousy problems. I think I�ve figured out what a healthy relationship should be, and that�s important if I�m ever going to look for one. I know that I can never have another customer service job ever again. I�ve learned to respect my mother in an entirely new light, and it�s been nice to see her be a mother to someone other than myself. A different mother because she�s learned a lot in the 19 years between my sister and I. And my sister... well, she�s absolutely rotten to the core, but she�s a good girl. God help her though, because she�s going to be exactly like my mom. I know that I�m really not ready to have children, not for a while. But, I also know that I do want to have children, which is important because 2 years ago, I couldn�t have said that.

When I stop to think about all of the things I have yet to learn, I get nervous. Eight years ago, when I was 18, I thought long and hard about what I wanted to do with my life. I never did figure it out. That�s the real question I have in front of me, because I know it�s time to change. I know that this year I�ve spent doing nothing has been down time, like the last three days I�ve been sick. It�s just time I guess I needed to sort shit out.

I wish I had come out of Colorado or San Francisco with this much gained, but I can�t think of a single thing I brought with me that I can apply to my life. It must have been just time spent on molding myself into the person I am now. The things I find funny, the music I listen to, the things I say just a result of college and my first real job.

. . .

All of this to come to the conclusion that I still don�t know how. That�s what�s stopping me, I don�t even know where to start.

How do you get a job taking pictures? How do you get people to buy paintings? How do I support myself so that I can do all of the things that make my life worth living without draining me to the point of exhaustion? Is this really all there is? Working a shit job to paint in my basement? Living alone and eating Ramen? Masturbation as ritual?

There�s got to be more than this. There�s got to be more than a boyfriend and a movie on Friday night. More than internet porn, more than spare pillows, more than telling my cat I love him, more than the only ounce of happiness I can gather comes from my discman.

I�m not going to settle for this.

10:14 a.m. - 2002-12-17


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