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What if in my element does not include you, does not include anyone? What if it is me, here, headphones, cigarette, alone?
"Stupid, stupid, stupid", I said, kicking the side of the fountain, flicking ash into the water.
"You're not stupid."
"No, I'm not stupid, but emotionally I'm a complete fucking idiot."
This is like Radiohead for video games, or something. I wish I had started loving them earlier. I feel like I missed awesome. Jack is the only person I know that loves them like I do. I think that's when Jack and I bonded, talking about In Rainbows. He really likes to tell pregnant Carie stories, I don't remember most of it, which makes them funnier to him. I am so lucky to have a Jack. He told me he wanted to fuck my brain and then kissed my forehead in the most brotherly fashion possible. This makes my relationship sound romantic, and there is nothing even close to that between us. I just love him and he puts up with me and makes me smell his farts.
I think all of the men I met when I was really heavy will always have that picture of me in their heads. I like it like that.
I miss being 22 and trying to fuck to Tool. I'm tired of meeting my ex boyfriends in other people. I used to tell Adam that he was all of my exes in one person. He is, still.
I needed this album. So glad I am impulsive.
I miss you.

7:15 p.m. - 2013-03-01


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