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To make it perfect, there had to be one flaw.
This is the only way I can slow my brain down long enough to think, write. Otherwise it's just so much confetti and I'm trying to catch the pieces. It has been two weeks since I have had my night, this time before bed with my head not moving at full speed. Two weeks is too long. This is what I wanted. I wanted to share this. Shawn is inside, and I'm outside, in this space. So while you may not have had that type of intimacy, I can assure you that you are not missing much. That type, so ambiguous! So much grey space, I should feel at home. How many euphemisms can I make for fucking you? I think our overuse of exclamation points means that we are trying too hard to be nice. I have to make an effort to keep it down. It's not that I am not still trying to catch the confetti, it's that the confetti's fall has slowed. There is one experience that I have never forgotten. When Chuck tied me up and left me on the bed while he took my car to get washed. I didn't even try to free myself. I waited. I would like to have another. Not that same scenario, but just something I can keep, something I will remember. You never remember the actual sex act, just what's before and after. Adam said I smelled like sexy smoke yesterday. This means I smelled like making out in high school, if you would like clarification. I like it without the meaning, though I understand. Maybe that's what I am. Maybe I am always meant to be that girl you had a crush on when you were seventeen. I'm okay with that, too. I think it fits. Even in my head I have struggled with the type of woman I am - I can never find anything that fits. If this is what I am, I can tell you that breaking each other will be the best of it.
7:54 p.m. - 2013-02-22
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