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Not early enough this morning.

I never said that now I don't have any grandmas left. I feel bad about everything I wrote about them, then remind myself that at the time it was true.
I should have written about all of the hospital visits I made, but especially the last one when my mom asked me to explain to her what was happening because the doctors treated her like she couldn't understand. The last one was hard. I hope no one that I know ever has to tell someone that can't speak that they are dying. I guess I really never realized the full gravity until now. Even when I gave the lecture to Shane last week, I didn't cry. But I cried a little bit just now. I don't have the capacity to deal with this right now. At least E will have a couple of pictures with his "great momma", as he called her in the end. And at least he didn't have to see her the last time. I never really liked her as a person or as a grandma, but she was still my mother's mother.
This will be a long weekend. Shawn has already started moping. I feel less bad about it this morning. His friend took a break last night, and I think he has figured out that I don't want to kiss him anymore.

5:05 a.m. - 2013-01-19


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