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Lack of attachment, that you have.

I have too much, that comes too easily, and too swiftly. It leaves in the same fashion, not to be confused with boredom, or lack of interest. It just goes, the same way you forget. Distracted.

I don�t know what I�m doing, or where I�m going, or who I�ll see when I get there. If you would just find it in yourself to see past all of the mistakes, and the outside, to tell me what�s really going on.

Looking over my shoulder, I see that I stepped on your feel, brushed you aside from opening the door for me, because I don�t expect people to come forward. They would rather sit back and watch. I gathered you just wanted to console someone you thought was having a hard time, when I�m really content sitting here watching my cat play. You only wanted to tell me everything was okay, without having to go through the motions, and I pushed the envelope. You needed to sit with a friend and have a cup of coffee, but when I came back from the bathroom and handed you something small, and warm, you got embarrassed, and shoved them back into my palm.

So, I�m feeling like an ass. I feel like I�ve just fucked everything up again, because I don�t know when to cut it, because I have no self control. I feel like I�m betraying you, putting this here, so we can pretend it doesn�t exist. And we�ll say biting words at each other in hopes of disguising actual connections. I�ll insult you, because deep down, you turn me into a 13 year old and boys are new, and my heart hasn�t been stepped on over and over. I may have forgotten how much my first crush hurt.

I can go back, and act like this is even, and equal. I can start thinking you care enough about me at 4:30 in the morning. I can hope you�re missing me, hope you�re thinking about me when you see things. You�ll remind me I�ve only known you for a week, I�ll bite my lip, thinking that I can already read your mind, so what does time matter?

All the threes you are do not matter, but you�re right when you say I want them to be done. Third time�s a charm. There�s only one way to find out. I�ve waited this long, I can wait a little longer.

I want to fall asleep on the couch and pretend I�m just waiting for you to come home.

6:33 p.m. - 2002-12-13


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