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Your voice is only 3 messages back. Behind my mother, and behind the guy from the doctor�s office. I�m puzzled, why I would expect anything but nothing. I can go back and listen to you if I want, the reminder. It�s not going to matter because eventually, you�ll make it back and catch up on your reading. I�ll be writing everything here just like before. I�ll regret the two nights I could have stayed up late talking to you.

After 26 years, my parents still call me Weesee.

No, baby. Sshh.

It�s easier for you to brush it under the rug, maybe these things happen to you with frequency. I can�t erase, but I�d like to play it back, that hour and hours when it felt like you were sitting in my room. I don�t want to tell you that the best part of sleeping with you would be laying in bed and laughing.

After I felt like... God. I felt. Still. I can�t hurry enough, with this life crashing down around me. All of the changes about to break, and new roads I�m going to have to take.

Selfless says for you to leave there, and find someone as fun as you. Selfish says come here and let me be your escape. Let me be the reason you leave, because I�m good at being someone else�s excuse. I just want to see you laugh.

Know exactly where
Don�t know why

In all of this hell that�s every day. In few brief moments of peace that come. Seconds of joy, they are too far apart to make any of this worth it. I remember before Montana, they were fewer, and always with a beer chaser. I want to gather up the people I love, and move into the farm house, and leave fights over the phone line in another state, because we�ll all be there. I want the ocean no less than 20 minutes away, and trees, and the growing smell.

All I wanted this year was a normal fucking Christmas. All I�m going to get is everything I never wanted.

4:02 p.m. - 2002-12-13


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