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I can�t get warm. I can never get warm, I�ll never be hot. I just pile on more layers and turn up the heater, because my blood just doesn�t move and push like it used to. It doesn�t boil to over flow, the way it did when I had to sleep nude. My hands are ice, not hot the way they were when I could fix it and you. My fingers are just icicles that will never melt.

Kiss me
Won�t you kiss me now
And sleep I would inside your mouth

There are people my age who do not have stories, back stories of places and things, filled with streets and noise. There are people who have never just closed their eyes at the burn that comes up from toes. My toes do not curl.

There are people who have never cried at the sound of your voice, who chase after things that will never deliver them.

Don�t be us too shy
Knowing it�s no big surprise

You see that I�m hard. And there�s a huge wall you have to break, or scale, or push down. I can�t remove it, it�s just there, manifesting itself every morning. Maybe it comes down in sleep, incoherent. When I spoke sleeping, that�s when it�s gone, but it rises back up when I step out of the shower.

That I will wait for you
I will wait for no one but you

There�s something in the word baby that makes everything crash down, my heart lands in the soles of my shoes. These little things in the smallness of the speaker, they�ll be the death of the person you hear in the can held to your ear, that�s attached to the string that runs from here.

You don�t want to see any of this.

4:47 p.m. - 2002-12-11


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