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Did you get a haircut?

I'll tell you what happens when you lose it. It's not like the movies, where they play fancy musical scores, you don't hang your head in shame, limping away from the camera.
It goes slowly. So slowly you don't notice it, over a span of time you couldn't conceive of at 18. Then you feel old, your siblings grow up, turn into adults and you worry about never being able to buy a house at 31. You stop finding things that move you and instead take solace in your inaction. You stop making it a big deal, stop plucking the grey, start double checking the door locks, start taking heartburn medication. Stock up on Tums, get your calcium too.
Nothing hurts. Nothing surprises you. You have simply learned to accept all of this disappointment and you don't feel the need to let it escape, it rolls off of your back.
But you don't forget the date. Not today's date.
It dawns on you that it's August. Fucking August. Your favorite month. August and everything after.

But it doesn't hit you with the same force it once did.

You scramble for anything to make you feel. Anything. Like an addict, for the flip, the tear. You send messages, like SOS signals, to anyone that might hear. Oh God, give me something. Make me remember all of the heartache I once knew.

Then you find it. Here. Where it started. But you can't put your finger on how it ended.

that wasn't my intention, I did it for a reason
it must have got mixed up
strangled, beaten up
i got myxomatosis
i got myxomatosis

"i don�t know why
i feel so tongue-tied"

4:29 p.m. - 2007-08-09

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