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894. Or, And Then It's Going To Die.

A coffee cup has been in the sink for 3 days and blanket on the couch for 8. I've taken to smoking in the apartment when I'm alone, while the lists of things I can't afford run through my head. I know that I can't write any more because I tell him everything, and there's nothing left to say, but he takes it personally. I felt something that wasn't anger for a split second, but it was so fleeting, I didn't get to grab it.
This is the resume I'm posting tomorrow. I hope being honest will grant me the right to a job that doesn't kill me everyday.

Objective: To find a source of income that does not remove all inspiration from my life, preferably with a company that does not suck.

Work Experience:

Unnamed Wireless Company� Wireless Data Technical Support, 2003 - Present

Sacramento, California

Data Customer Service Coordinator



Position focused on connecting Grandma's and Grandpa's to the �intraweb�, dodging insults from late Gen Xer's who cannot use their computers, and walking giant assholes through the functionality of their handheld devices.

· Gained knowledge of how to inadequately staff queues

· Side stepped management's inability to run a call center by refusing to do extra work

· Anticipated push back and general lack of product knowledge from other departments

· Competent at handling complaints via a mute button and bitch sessions after work

· Successfully pushed back any issue that I was not trained on to the manufacturer of the product

· Provided customer support for connectivity using Microsoft Windows 2000 and XP, while requesting users on anything earlier to get with the times

· Provided customer support for Unnamed Wireless Company branded software, including removal

· Provided customers with cold transfers for support on synching applications including Microsoft ActiveSync, HotSync, and IntelliSync

· Earned Blackberry Certified Customer Support Associate, Tier 1 and Tier 2, certification without management's approval

· Received and responded to customer emails, sending follow up emails, or telephone calls, depending on if the customer had pissed me off or not



Large Bank - Technology Connection, 2001 - 2003

Billings, Montana

Technical Service Specialist



Position focused on resetting password for employees and filling out tickets for replacement laptops while teaching myself Dreamweaver and Photoshop and screwing around online

· Used the Help menus in Microsoft Office applications to assist employees who were too dumb to do it themselves

· Checked IP addresses and filled out ticket accordingly

· Walked employees through rebooting their PC's



Once a Profitable Financial Company- Research and Development, 2000 - 2001

Pleasanton, California

Marketing Information Systems Analyst

Position focused on doing actual work 40% of the time. The rest was spent in chat or on Craig's List



· Attended meetings about data warehouse planning and implementation, but never actually worked on the project

· Found out there is a term called �data modeling�

· Created new "standard" MIS reports to be used company wide by fudging sales numbers by marketing's request

· Created databases that housed relevant information, but was used by no one

· Authored children's books that included business requirements and technical documentation for new applications



Once a Profitable Financial Company - Research and Development, 1999 - 2000

Pleasanton, California

Project Specialist

Position focused on simplifying information into small, easily digestable pieces.



· Coordinated Systems, Operations, Audit, and Data Entry departments to ensure no one passed the buck on account updates

· Dumbed down processes and procedures (MS Word, Excel, Visio documents) for Operations, Audit teams



Once a Profitable Financial Company - Research and Development, 1998 - 1999

San Francisco, California

Operations Specialist

Position focused on doing a lot of typing.



· Highly skilled in taking too many cigarette breaks

10:10 p.m. - 2004-11-16

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