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I fear. There's nothing left to say. To you. That you want to hear. That you want to know.

You better turn your head
And run
Don't look back

See, your faith gets tested, and pushed to its limits, and you start questioning what you believe in, until you have no truth and no absolute.

I know the exact day I threw everything away, because I had enough of people letting me down. Still, every conclusion I've made has been wrong, the people I believed in, gone.

And I've kept living, conducting experiments, continue to fail, learn nothing, as I forget, only to repeat the performance. Again.

I don't believe in the stars like I used to, I don't put my money on the planets. I have no faith in my power over my life, my dreams, I believe are misleading.

That's where I am, and that was my last gift to you. No matter what words I have to guide me, I've no direction. I had this lined up, where the pain of digging myself into an early grave was evened by the joy of having you as company. When you took that away I lost my future, in one quick phone call.

I don't believe in the trade off any more. I don't believe I am able to do more than one thing at a time, I can't move myself past getting to and from work. I have no inspiration, what pain I can gather into a managable amount is gone before I can pin it down.

I damn myself for seeing what you were, for lighting myself on fire for you, though you were not impressed with the show. I lost parts of myself when I lost you, I lost the pieces that made ideas into colors.

And it's those same pieces I see in others that makes me do these stupid things. Even in my heart I know I've many lonely years with headphones for company in front of me.

I just can't get past getting out of bed, away from the opening, the release and surrender, the movement and breath, laying under the covers in that fucking blue light that haunts me.

I think I should go
The things I've done are way too shameful

2:16 p.m. - 2003-07-20


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