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Orange is tricky.

I'm not it.

I'm not going to find it.

It is not here, hasn't been here, never will be here.

I'm starting to wonder if I've ever been happy for more than a week, and if I have, when that was.

And, I'm starting to wonder about everything, which only brings me down.

I need attention. The kind that lasts for more than 10 minutes, and longer than a year. More than a few months, or weeks, or even days.

I'm sick of being put off and put upon. I'm tired of putting everything off, because I don't know what everything is, even though I've spent six years looking for it, since I figured out there might be an everything.

I caught myself thinking I don't want another apology. But I think a heart felt one, that covered my entire life, may make me feel a little better.

5:21 p.m. - 2003-07-16


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