Index - Profile - Archives - Notes - DiaryLand - Random ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I know, I know. I just wanted to explain. I've been using this to validate my existence for too long. I've been feeding off of my guest book, and notes, and stats for too long. I've been using this for reasons I never intended. I will tell you, the blank box, why, because I need to write this down, because the need to write everything down is so overwhelming, it's worse than any addiction I've ever had. I haven't had a best friend in years. The last real "connection" I felt was with a boy too far away to do me any good, and that boy continues to haunt me through others. The only people on this planet to even know who I really am are busy with their lives, and I've always been far too shy to ask for anything someone wasn't ready to give me. I keep looking for something, anything, in everything. I drive with one eye on the other lane, I go get coffee in the hopes of inspiring conversation with strangers, I am overly friendly to anyone that says hello. So I explain everything here, because I have no one to tell, except this machine, and that's not right. And when I stop to think about it, I realize I've been doing this for years. The only real reason I moved here was so that I wouldn't hurt or kill myself. Having family this close, the high possibility my grandmother would be the one to find me dead, keeps me from doing it, each and every time the thought crosses my mind. Which, starting yesterday, is happening with more frequency. My need for company and understanding. I wonder why I am unable to do this alone, like so many people do every day. I am too scared to try to make friends of strangers. I don't initiate telephone calls because I'm terrified of interrupting someone else's life, because in my head, everyone is busy. I don't normally send emails, because I think no one wants to talk to me. Today, I finally cried, am crying. It's feels good today, like my misery has always felt good, has always been my company. I worked myself up to make sure he wasn't coming in August. When I received his reply, it started. Then my brother called me to tell me he's finally getting married, and I cried after. My mother almost died yesterday, and I am crying over that (but, mostly because I miss her). My grandmother screamed at me because of my overalls, and I cried because of that, too. So, the reason I'm taking a break is because I don't want this to be me. It's the same reason I bleached my hair, the same reason I've been buying new clothes, and drawing new tattoos on my legs. I don't want this anymore, I don't want to read the words of invisible boys and feel my heart wretch, I don't want to be connected via telephone lines any more. I'm sick of the void it always leaves me with. I thought I owed you that. And, I'm sick of feeling like I owe everyone for my short comings, faults, and distance. My emotions make me tired, and unmotivated. I'd like to, just once, make something that meant something to someone, other than these vacant words that simply cannot make me real. Now that I've explained myself, I've turned off my AIM, rid myself of the guest book. Now that I've explained that I need this more than ever, I'm going without. .Thank You.2:44 p.m. - 2003-06-22 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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