Index - Profile - Archives - Notes - DiaryLand - Random ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- But it's a fact that I'm the seventh son. I wondered how many times we've passed on the street. I thought it may have been you, calling from a pay phone downtown. You didn't call back. Tonight was perfect for killing time in the car, but I don't drive fast enough for everyone, so I hesitate, people thinking I'm actually from Montana, and not that I'm just not in a hurry to get any where. But it felt good to not need. Even when I think I need someone, anyone, I get to have clean moments like today when I need nothing, have nothing. In my grandmother's garden, I felt what someone else would feel, had they not grown up in that house, had they not fallen on that fucking gravel pathway fifteen thousand times. We checked her sprinklers for a half an hour. She's leaving for Kansas on Sunday, and I'm to water the plants for two weeks. And when I knocked on the screen door, she asked me if I was running away from home. Laughing, I said yes. But that house is the only place I've ever felt at home. In my grandmother's garden, I felt what someone else would feel, had they not been touching this body for 27 years, had they not watched it shift and move and change. I put my hands on my hips, under my shirt, a bit under my jeans, and remembered you promised to go to my dad's wedding with me. You promised, because it was so important I have someone there to help me through my dad ruining his life. [My own mother saying, He's marrying her for her money?] I specifically remember asking you, please, please, please, even if you don't make it out here in April or May, tell me you'll be here in August, a perfect month until this year. Even if you don't love me forever, even if everything falls apart, just be here that last week of August, because I'll break down again if I don't have someone to help me. I'm sure you don't remember. And, I can't ask, because you're not even my friend any more. I know it's far away, far for me at least, but I've watched the time slip past me, quieter than a one night stand. I've watched it go, and I know it will be on me before I can really get a grip. I'm still happy I don't need you. I'm even almost content with my nothing tonight. I'd even want to say I don't miss you any more. It's just hard when I think about a future, a limitless possibility, and I have no one to talk about it with. [I'm going back to school. Horticulture. Restoration, purpose, and beauty. At least that's the plan today. ... And, don't ever feel badly for waking me up. I simply pretend you're in the room.] 9:26 p.m. - 2003-06-20 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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