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Hearing.

All day I've been thinking of that email I received this morning. And it seems silly, to spend so much time dwelling on it. Insignificant, a couple of hours, on too little sleep. I can't even count the people I've met for coffee, strangers.

Yet this eats at me.

I think it's just the instance of meeting someone who's on the same channel as you. When the weird things you do seem to not be weird. When you don't feel ashamed for telling silly stories, that have no reason to be told. Or, you can say "I hate this fucking part of town" and feel like maybe the other person hates it too.

So that's probably why I was sad this weekend. And, I'm a little sad because I know we're not going any where, you and I. You know?

We're not going to plan anything past a couple of weeks, and at some point in time, we'll say good bye. And, I'll feel as though I've affected nothing. I haven't pushed any issues, caused strain or growth. I've simply been space, and breath to you. This is a surface relationship, and we are not surface people.

And maybe, I was sad because it's been so long since I've had genuine affection from someone I wasn't related to. I start getting angry, and pushy. I even reach the point of play fighting with people, just to get someone to touch me. People who don't need affection seem like an alien race to me.

There are a few other reasons I was sad... the realization the only reason my dad wanted me to move back home was to take care of grandma... the fact that every woman in my family has, or had, and continues to have, dysfunctional relationships, so I have nothing to base "normal" on... I don't see my brother enough, and we've grown apart, just a little, and when he has kids, there will be a bigger shift, which makes me sad.

But, my point was I was sad this weekend, and you would have never known if you didn't read this. You would have had no idea, because I never told anyone I was sad. I didn't act like I was sad. I was sad, am still a little sad. So many things I've never experienced are happening, and it's hard to deal with.

I'm not a dating person. I'd even go so far to say I'm not a casual person. And, so, keeping detached in order to spare myself grief is a new activity.

I've never had to hold myself back... and I'm starting to wonder if I should.

6:18 p.m. - 2003-06-11

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