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Secret Decoder Ring Needed.

I don't believe in my curse of the threes anymore. I guess things have changed.

And rather than try to make things sound prettier than they are, I'll just tell you what's really going on.

Maybe.

Or maybe not. This is a rough position I'm in. It seems the things I've sworn off have come back to haunt me. Through no fault but my own, my vanity, more than likely. So, forgive me if it's vague, and crooked, misaligned and undirected. I think it suits where I am now, as it has so many times before.

I like what the unstated states. It leaves far more to the imagination. See, I should have packed an over night bag, and brought a blanket for the road, but then I'd be assuming intentions. I know what assuming gets me.

Ten minutes and a flick of ash later, I just watched the cursor blink.

My mind races, and that is a little bit of the problem here.

I think about You, and wish that I could give you something. Of course, you didn't say anything about writing something in a diary about it, so I'm following the rules, even if my first inclination was to send you an email and get you on the phone. There's always been a little bit of me in you. I wanted you to know that. And the destruction you feel I inflict on myself. I am evidence of this.

I think about You. Now, I'm laughing because I've spilled secrets again, but I mostly wish that you get to and from every where safely.

I think about the seisure I had this afternoon. They're little ones, the kind that make parts of your face go numb. My mom has them, when under stress or before and during her period. I felt the left side of my face go slack, and I kept checking the corner of my mouth for drool. I'm sorry to report it was there.

I see my dirty feet. I smell hay. I see 10 half smoked cigarettes in my ash tray, and feel the plastic on my head keeping strands of hair away from other strands of hair. I think about my style changing, and how I want the next 3 years to slide by and pass slowly at the same time. I wonder how I'm going to juggle, work, manage the emails I have going, and I hope that the people I'm emailing that read this don't think this means them.

I see all of the imperfections that have thrown themselves together to form me, and I wonder what I look like through someone else's eyes. I wonder what that image is you see 5 seconds before you come. And I scratch my arm.

How do I forget I've only known you for a week? I mean, I don't understand. Is it okay for me to not understand? I'm not reading into anything. Should I be? You have free access to the past year of my life. How do you feel about that? There are so many things I would say, that I'm not going to, that would still be there, even if you took out parts of last night.

You didn't try the hooks on my shirt. And, I can still taste you.

PS - You beat me! My time karma has failed me! AHHHHH!!!!

PPS - I have cramps so badly right now, I'd like to carve my bottom half off with a spoon.

7:39 p.m. - 2003-05-31

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