Index - Profile - Archives - Notes - DiaryLand - Random ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A Cry To Heaven. Alright. Listen. This deal, what ever it is, sucks. I'm sick and goddamned tired of having every good thing be matched by an equal or greater bad thing. I'm tired of PMSing. I'm tired of crying. I'm tired of being miserable and most of all, I'm tired of being shushed. In case you haven't noticed, I don't know what I'm doing. The thought of spending the next 40 years jumping from shitty entry level job to shitty entry level job scares me. The thought of spending the next 40 years doing one thing scares me. The thought of spending the next 40 years spinning my wheels scares me. Expect this type of shit for the next month or so. These quarter life crisis things last for fucking ever. I thought I'd be done by 27. I thought I'd have it worked out, with an SUV and an apartment with an in house dick. I thought I could get it together by now, but the truth is I don't even know how to get my car registered. I lost the guy I saw my future in because I was too scared to tell him the truth about why I'm so fucked up. I smoke too much, and all of my habits are forming addictions to other habits. I have crushes on basketball players and I bought Sixteen Stone on Sunday. My dreams from the last 4 nights have all been me as a man fucking myself as a woman. Figure that one out. I did. I keep fucking myself. When I talk, I talk too loud and too much. When I shut up, I drive people away because I'm not explaining my actions. When ever I get like this, I tell myself my job is just to live. That's my profession, just getting by for a few hours high, or a concert, or time with one of the people I love. This time it's not working. I never get second chances. I give fourth and fifth chances, but I never get a second chance. It's all a fucking circle. I can't move the mountain, I can't pick up my house. I can't convince anyone of anything, and my logic is miserable fucking company. 7:06 p.m. - 2003-04-30 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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