Index - Profile - Archives - Notes - DiaryLand - Random ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Stick a fork in me. You know what? Don't bother calling me back. I could tell by the tone of your voice you didn't want to hear from me. So, don't waste your precious time on a pathetic loser such as myself. Just go back to what ever it was you were doing and forget I ever existed. Take back all the time, and all the money I've spent, and all of the words I've written and said, and forget the entire thing ever happened. Let's just erase the whole thing so I won't walk around bearing yet another scar from the times I tried to be understanding and patient. Because where does it get me, aside from the same place I've held for 26 years? This pattern ends now. I refuse to spend years wondering about you, and spend countless hours writing about you, and thinking about you, and talking about you. The sooner I can get you out of my every day conversations the better, because I'm sure everyone around you knows I'm history. Except me. If you don't know today that you want to see me ever again, you're never going to know. Do what ever you want, just do it now. This is what I was going to say, before I actually picked up the phone to just tell you, because my computer was pissing me off. I still mean it. . . . I want to say I�m sorry for being jealous. It�s in my nature, as I�m insecure, and it�s worse with the way things are between us, with the distance and lack of definition, lack of commitment spoken outright. It�s something I�ve been aware of for a very short time, and though it�s usually not as bad as you have witnessed, I�m guilty all the same. And, I�m sorry. I want to say I�m sorry for my lack of empathy. It�s an emotion I�ve lacked for my entire life, and something I tried to pick up from my mother, who has often said, "Show a little empathy, Carie." I don�t know why I�m wired this way, I don�t know how it came to be. It�s not a good attribute to have, and makes for a very cold person, and maybe that is really what I am, though I don�t believe it. I think it would have helped to have heard you speak a little more freely about the things that bothered you, or the things you felt too, so that I could have some evidence to work with. It�s not something you can fix over night, or even in a year. It�s something you learn, when you�re a person like me. It�s something that grows on you. And, I�m ashamed to admit I have no empathy, regularly, though I care for a great many people. So. I�m sorry for not being empathetic to your feelings and your emotions and being too self centered and cold to recognize them. I want to say I�m sorry for smoking. It�s something I picked up for various different reasons, one of which you know. I promised myself and my mother, father, and sister I would quit on my 28th birthday. I hold true to that. I will because I said I would and for no other reason. So for the next year and 6 weeks, I�m going to smoke. That�s something everyone will live with, but I�m sorry you hate it so much. I want to say I�m sorry this is turning out like our past lives. But, I refuse to believe that one has to give up their romantic infatuations in order to better themselves. I�ve spent too many years thinking I had to be alone to fix myself, and spent too many years listening to people tell me they had to be alone to fix themselves, only to watch them go away with someone else. I don�t think anyone can be perfect, and I think that trying to make myself perfect in order to have a relationship would be fruitless. I believe it was Eddie Murphy that said, "You just have to find someone who is just as fucked up as you." And, I believe he is right. Of course there are some things that just cannot be changed, and some things that you just cannot live with. And then there are things that can change, and things you can live with. And people who are willing to change, and people who are willing to live with... you and the things you cannot change and the things you are willing to change. . . . And then, here are the things that need to be set in stone so that you can remember them. I am not disappointed in you. I am disappointed in this situation, but I do not hold you personally responsible for it. I do not think you are a failure. I do not think you are a loser, or a slacker, nor do I think you are lazy. I trust you. I respect you. I believe in you. And, I love you. . . . Now, I�m going to try not to write about this stuff any more. 8:18 p.m. - 2003-04-07 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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