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Instant Gratification

Today I'm going to probably spend close to $20 on a CD for one song.

Sadly, this will not be the first time.

. . .

I'm not any more or less nervous about Saturday, even though it's Thursday.

I'm in a zone. One of those places where nothing can really phase me. All of this craziness that's going on, the fact I think a terrorist attack would hit somewhere here, on the West Coast for a body count, various other conditions, I can't get out of my mood.

I've always believed in "supposed to happen", I've talked myself into this one. I know how life works, and I'm only a tiny bit afraid of the next time I tear down all the walls to start again.

I've proved, for the last time, I can start over again. And again.

It helped to realize I can draw, if I check out. All of these years, and I've reached the place where I can put headphones on and get out of seeing everything for what it is, seeing only shapes and shades and colors.

I question, sometimes, how much of this was the universe and how much was just me believing in myself. I try not to question it often, because I don't want to see through the cracks in my faulty logic. I just want to be.

And, I want to be with you.

If I feel any sadness, it's that he is not here. But it's been over a month since I felt left out, or unimportant to the point of wanting to end it all. Maybe it's time that fixed it, but I'd like to think it's my new found faith. Because I know he's coming, and I know how we will be when he's here, and I know that what ever happens, I love that boy.

9:47 a.m. - 2003-03-06

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