Index - Profile - Archives - Notes - DiaryLand - Random ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Not how it's found. On top of all of this frustration, I realized this morning I frustrate myself. This realization came upon me being happy and excited my dad was here for 10 minutes, and the fact he checked to see if I had money, and asked me to fix his computer, and invited me over for dinner, and is making me a key so I can go over to the house when ever I want. A bit of history: I've not had a functional relationship with my dad since I turned 18. For reasons I'm not sure I want to get into, it was hard for me to accept the way my dad treated my mom while they were married. Or even that he may have changed. It makes me cry to see that my dad has actually become a better person, and it makes me really grateful to have my dad back, because going nearly 10 years without the dad that I had as a child was more painful than I had thought. I'm not sure how it works in most families, but in mine, I'm my father's daughter and my brother is my mother's son. Even if he has grown apart from her, he's always been more like her than me. Having spent over a year with my mom as an adult, I can see where she is in me, but everything else I got from my dad. The lack of saving, the music, the painting, the humor, all my dad. Those are the most important parts of me, I think. It's easy for me to panic, because I'm not used to having a dad. And I need to remember I have one now. Because moms and dads work wonders. Especially when the pieces of your support structure are scattered around the country. I frustrate myself by forgetting all of the people that are really here for me. I cause myself needless pain, because I am not abandoned. . . . And you. You. You're the most lovely creature ever. And I know I forget to tell you, and I'm sorry. You're the first man I've ever been proud of having a relationship with, the first man I could ever say tried, and really tried hard. Is still trying. You're gorgeous. You make me laugh harder than most people, you calm me down, and in the times when I can't find the words, you find them for me. You know how being this way, the way that I am, you know how it is. You know how it works, to a certain degree, and you respect it. I can never tell you how important that is. I've never wanted promises of curtains and china patterns. Ever. And, I don't believe in forever, I believe in today. You don't have to say those words again, if you don't want to, because that's the secret I already knew. 11:27 a.m. - 2003-02-23 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
||||||